Sunday, July 28, 2013


My wife keeps telling me I need to do some movie reviews on my blog. I need to do SOMETHING on my blog.

So here it goes.


What the balls?!

I explained it to a couple people this way... "Before I saw The Conjuring I only knew that a person could defecate in one way. After seeing The Conjuring, I realized that a man or woman is actually able to loose himself free of yesterday's dinner in several different ways. I'm too much of a gentleman to go any further." I'm not talking about the plot of the movie, but about the other grown men and women jumping out of their seats.

I've probably seen 2000 horror movies in my life. The Conjuring is in the top 5 scariest I've ever seen, and it may be Top 2 (the first being the original Evil Dead, and probably always will be, the scene when she is naming the playing cards will always scare the hell out of me).

When a certain main character "turns" near the end of The Conjuring, scampering about the underside of the house with a pair of scissors, like some kind of feral beast, I was actually affected, and I can't be sure why. I'm never affected by horror movies, so I'm thinking that it hit home in some sort of primordial soup at the back of my brain. It really got me in the bollocks.

I think the thing that sets this movie apart from others in this well-worn trope is that the actors were near perfect and everybody had a purpose. Norma Bates, Nightowl, the annoying wife from Six Feet Under, and the TPS Report guy.... all were spot on. Even the smaller roles (such as the comedic jabs from the local cop) totally sold the story. And the doll... dammit that doll is terrifying. Can she please get her own spinoff?

The scares, by the halfway point, are nearly every minute or two. My wife just about ripped the skin of my forearm off. We lost half our popcorn to the floor. I'm pretty sure she missed most of the movie because her eyes were covered.

As for whether this is really a TRUE STORY or not. I call bull on that one, but that doesn't take away from the fact that it was a helluva ride. 5 out of 5 stars.

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